Well batfans,
It's been awhile since I graced you with my epic prose of loveliness, so I figured I would take a few moments this morning to catch you all up on the craziness that is my internet dating life.
Where did we leave off? Oh yes, with some odd chickens and a few nuggets of lovely goodness. Where should we start today? I say with the creepers, then we'll move on to some more nuggets of goodness.
Last time I wrote I shared with you the crazy guy who freaked out over two texts. When I finished that entry I was certain that it would be the last time I would comment on it..but just when you think it's safe to go back into the water...*Jaws music here*.
Yes, that's right, the insanity from that corner of the world is not over yet! Now, batfans, let's point out that this person, who I will call "B", and I met on plenty of fish. Plenty of fish is a decent place, really. I've met some people that I am happy to call a friend there, and I've met some people that I could really do without as you will soon see. There's a lovely feature on PoF called "block" that I have to use once in awhile when someone's creeper level shoots up like the space shuttle..and in this case, with "B", I was happy that there was such a thing, so imagine my surprise when I see there's an email from him on PoF waiting for me. "What's this?" I ask myself, "Didn't I block him? Yes, yes I did...hrmm." So I open it. Now here is my first mistake. I should have just deleted and tried to block him again, but you know what they say about curiosity..
I will point out that it has been over a week and a half since I last spoke to "B" in the epic showdown in my living room. I thought, "self maybe he feels bad now that he's sober.." as I was clicking read..only to find out that this most certainly is not the case!
The message went something like this:
I would be surprised if you could find someone who would actually take the time to read your "bullshit" profile,, Because honestly, your not worth IT!!!!!!! Your asking way too much, for what your offering!!!!!!!
Oh cruel life, do not make me endure anymore of this! I am so wounded that I must now cry into my Cheerios for ten days and pray that I endeavor to become a better person more worthy of people like this!!
Hahaha, not. So I read the message, and I laugh. Seriously? Are we two again? Let's dissect what was said, shall we?
I would be surprised if you could find someone who would actually take the time to read your "bullshit" profile,,
Translation: Damn it I am pissed off because you're not paying attention to MEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Because honestly you're not worth IT!!!!!!!
Translation: Damn it I am pissed off that you're not talking to MEEEEEEE and I didn't get what I waaaaaaaanted!
Your (sic) asking way too much, for what you're offering!!!!!!!!
Translation: WHY WOULDN'T YOU DATE MEEEEEEEE! WHY WONT YOU PAY ATTENTION TO MEEEEE!
I mean, seriously, you've all read my profile. Let's contemplate for a moment *silence*
Ahh yes, asking for friendship with the open door to more down the line is most certainly asking "too much" from someone like "me". I'm sure my friends are all nodding their heads in stoic agreement!
PAHAHAHHAHAHAAH
Ahem. Sorry, batfans, but now and again the situations I find myself in are far too funny and bizarre for me not to laugh my ass off.
Let's move on to another move I see way too often in internet dating. The 'quick draw'. On ok cupid I got a message:
Hi,
You're hot, love to get to know you. Do you have a cell? My cell is XXX XXX XXXX.
Cheers,
"S"
Reading messages like this always make me shake my head and laugh. This is a classic case of someone who did not read my profile at all, and is trolling pictures only. Let's start with the fact that he is way, way too young for me to consider even a serious friendship with...much less anything else, ever. If my daughter is closer to your age than I am? Not going to happen, buddy, ever.
So let's once again dissect this message:
You're hot
Translation: I did not do anything but see your pictures.
Would love to get to know you
Translation: I want to get into your pants.
Do you have a cell? Mine is ...
Translation: I would love for that to be tonight, and I will probably forget your name because I'm doing this with about 30 other women praying that someone will say yes.
As per normal, I ignore the message. A few seconds later an okcupid IM pops up on my screen, and it's "S". Now, there's nothing quite like getting confirmation that your translation skillzzz are dead on, and I got them with this short IM conversation. I will say, up front, that I was not honest about my cell phone working, but I wanted to see where he was going-fodder for the blog and all:
Blog Fodder
-----------
[10:41:25 pm]"S":hi
[10:42:07 pm]SuchJadedBeauty:hey, this IM thing never works right so if it closes I apologize
[10:42:18 pm]"S":ok
[10:42:21 pm]"S":do u have acell?
[10:42:52 pm]SuchJadedBeauty:I don't right now
[10:44:43 pm]"S":house phone?
[10:44:45 pm]"S":maybe ?
[10:44:50 pm]"S":what are you doing tonight
[10:44:57 pm]SuchJadedBeauty:nah I only have a cell number but my phone is fucked up.
[10:45:14 pm]"S":do you wana hang out tonight?
[10:45:21 pm]"S":whats wrong with the phnoe
[10:45:53 pm]SuchJadedBeauty:Dropped it and messed up the sim card or something. Have to take it in and get a new one when I can, and can't hang out tonight sorry am about to head to bed
[10:46:29 pm]"S":can i head to bed with u
[10:46:51 pm]SuchJadedBeauty:Uh, not so much, but thanks for asking! Not my thing.
Yes, batfans, this really happened. No, I did not embellish or create it for the sake of my blog alone, that would defeat the purpose! I do love it when I'm right on my 'reads' though...
One more thing that happened that I should likely bring up in the 'what not to do' section. I mentioned in earlier posts that calling me 'baby' ten minutes into our first conversation will only make me think you're creepy and possibly insane. Well, if you happen to use the cell phone number you have, when we've only talked on the phone once briefly, to call me at 1:30am and tell me you were just needing to hear a friendly voice...well you can guarantee that I will likely never again speak to you because you just crossed the line from creepy to full on code red avoid like the plague status.
At 1:30 am my phone should ring for several reasons, only:
My kids-any reason here
My family-any reason here
My CLOSE friends-need a ride home or to the ER or are really down.
IF you do not fit into one of those very specific categories, and IF we are not about to be married, DO NOT CALL ME THIS LATE, EVER.
Now that I got that off my chest...let's move onto some good!
I had a meet/greet with two people; "L" and "J". Separate days, since they don't know each other, but each went very well. "L" is a musician locally and I sat and listened to his band play at a local bar. I then proceeded to stay up like I was 16 again sitting at Shari's until ungodly hours of the morning..for which I paid dearly the next two days. Mental note: no matter how young I feel, my body's sleep requirement is NOT negotiable!
"J" and I did karaoke at Diablo's Sunday night. We met a very interesting fellow who looked a lot like Jay from Kevin Smith movies (Jay and Silent Bob to throw something out for those who don't know who Kevin Smith is) and who danced almost identically to him as well. We laughed, way more than should be legal, and I even insulted the cats in the neighborhood by mewling out a song of my own on the mic!
I met with a friend I'd been chatting with for awhile, "O", at Alton Baker park. I managed to not get eaten by the insane, bigger-than-I-am geese, but the tree we were sitting under apparently has it in for me. I have never in my life been thunked in the head by little prickly things that fall from trees more than I was in that short few hour span. The conversation was great, and once again I laughed more than should be legal. AND I got the most amazing gift, EVAR. "O" knows I am a huge hot chocolate freak, so he brought me a book he had previously taunted me with owning that has more ways that I ever thought possible to make the nectar of the Gods! I'm SO working my way through that, one different type a week, starting when the baby boy is back home with me!!
The amazing dating race idea is in full swing! I have had several people ask me if I would seriously work with "L" and come up with something like this..After pondering it for awhile more, yes yes I would.."L" and I are meeting hopefully this weekend to dive into the creative idea further and determine how feasible it actually will be. I have some GREAT ideas already and Eugene is a wonderful venue for something just like this..stay tuned for details, or if you're interested in joining a race of this sort should we actually make it happen, get with me! We'll start a list and see if we can't make it a reality!
I think I will end here, batfans. I have more to say, but this is becoming a long entry, and I need to ponder my next one since it's less funny and more me musing over a situation that has come up. It's a good situation, but unexpected, so no worries. I'll write about it next time, maybe.
Until then, laugh more, life is TOO short!
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